Here's to All the (Non-Alcoholic) Beers I've Drunk

Beers and non-alcoholic beverages, I've tried a few during my pregnancy. Here are some of my favorites as of March.

The countdown to that day when I finally drink an actual beer or cocktail again continues. I’ve yet to narrow down what adult beverage that will be but I’ve established it will likely not be a Rainier (though there’s probably room for a lot more Rainier in my future). I’m currently accepting suggestions.

In the meantime, I continue trying as many non-alcoholic versions of my favorite alcoholic beverages as I can get my hands on. A few have pleasantly surprised me. Others have been predictably less exciting.

As I began exploring the world of non-alcoholic beer, the old standby came to mind. Growing up, we had a family friend who always brought over 12-packs of O’Douls while my parents and the rest of the adults indulged in whiskey or gin. I thought it was strange, even as a kid, that someone might still choose to drink what is technically beer when they don’t want to get drunk. Well, now I get it.

Of course, I wasn’t really interested in hunting down O’Douls since my time drinking non-alcoholics is limited. I wanted to find the good stuff immediately. So I started with a brewery I’d heard a lot about — all good.

Athletic Brewing Co.

A young but rapidly growing craft brewery out of Connecticut, Athletic Brewery focuses exclusively on non-alcoholic beer. They’ve gotten an awful lot of buzz recently so the name wasn’t completely foreign to me. And they’ve got a surprisingly wide distribution footprint — at least wide enough that I could find it in Portland, Oregon. (Those interested can also order directly online from the brewery’s website.) I picked up the IPA and the stout at our neighborhood New Seasons Market.

• Athletic Brewing Run Wild Non-Alcoholic IPA: This was the first non-alcoholic IPA I’d ever tried. I admit that I approached it with pretty low expectations. The aroma is vaguely beer-like while the flavor features both grassy and citrusy hop flavors against a surprisingly malty backdrop for an IPA. It doesn’t entirely mask the lack of a dry alcoholic mouthfeel but it brings a decent bite. I drank this six-pack of 12-ounce cans slightly faster than the stout.

• Athletic Brewing All Out Non-Alcoholic Extra Dark: Since it was a stout, I expected this one to be a little closer to the real thing since it seems like a heavy malt flavor might be able to cover up the lack of booze. Reality: not quite. It’s still a decent non-alcoholic beverage, however. The aroma starts out making you think you’re about to sip a sessionable stout but the first sip reminds you what you’ve actually got. It’s too thin and feels overly carbonated. That said, I’ll probably still drink these when available.

Non-Alcoholic Cocktails

Once I’d gotten a taste of non-alcoholic brews, I wanted to try to recreate my favorite evening cocktail: a martini. Throughout the pandemic, I’d work from home then promptly at 5pm, mix up a dirty martini with a local gin, whatever dry vermouth I could scrounge up and a shit ton of olives. After months of going martini-less, I wanted to see if there was a non-alcoholic option.

With that in mind, I researched non-alcoholic gins (which kicked up a storm of Instagram ads in my feed by the way), eventually landing on Monday Zero Alcohol Gin. This “spirit” comes from Southern California and I ordered it online through Monday’s website since it’s not available locally.

An additional round of fact-finding led me to a vermouth alternative: Lyre’s Aperitif Dry. When I first stumbled across this, I found it on BeClink and it was called Lyre’s Dry Vermouth. I couldn’t find that brand on the website so I ordered it through the aforementioned retailer. Well they kind of bait-and-switched me (although I don’t think it was intentional). I ended up with the Aperitif Dry which is essentially the same thing from what I can tell — it appears the supplier changed up the labeling recently and the retailer just didn’t have the most recent version. It was just a little confusing.

• Monday Zero Alcohol Gin: Let’s just get this out of the way: it doesn’t taste like gin. There’s no juniper flavor at all. But it does feature an interesting and complex combination of botanicals for a very flowery flavor. While I’m still working out the right martini recipe for this, it’s pretty nice in a “gin” and tonic.

• Lyre’s Aperitif Dry (Non-Alcoholic Spirits): There’s something overpoweringly chemical in the aroma and flavor of this “spirit.” It’s unpleasant. I do wonder if I’ve ended up with a bad batch. If I’m being honest, I think this may be what’s keeping me from crafting a martini that’s even remotely drinkable. I’ve cut back on the amount added and tried to cover the flavor with both olives and lemon but have had no luck on that front. While I haven’t completely given up on my non-alcoholic martini, I may need to explore some other cocktail options to find a way to work through this bottle.

BrewDog

Once I’d drunk my way through my Athletic Brewing selection, I explored the other options I might have. I’d remembered that BrewDog had been developing a line of non-alcoholic beers so I dropped in on their website and chose three options to be delivered to my door (it’s not available in Portland, as far as I can tell). These were shipped from the brewery’s U.S. location in Columbus, Ohio.

• BrewDog Tiki Torpedo Sharp Pineapple AF: Quite honestly, this reminded me less of a beer and more of carbonated pineapple juice. I didn’t hate that but this certainly would be more like a novelty fruit beer than anything else. A slight bit of malt does occasionally peek out from behind all that citrus but it’s really overwhelmed by the juiciness.

• BrewDog Elvis AF: While still juicy, this brew had a bit more of a beer-like character. The aroma gives the impression that this is an unfinished brew (which it is — I mean, there’s no alcohol to it) but the flavor decently mimics a juicy IPA. This brew is fashioned after the Elvis Juice Grapefruit-infused IPA which I have not had previously. However, I found a generous dose of grapefruit here with an additional hoppy bite. As I’ve mentioned before, these beers are missing the alcoholic dryness you’d normally find in a beer but this is still a pleasant concoction — so long as you don’t hate a juicy IPA normally.

• BrewDog Lamb of God Ghost Walker: I’m not a metal fan but I like a creative collaboration. BrewDog bills this as the first non-alcoholic beer collab in the world and that sold me. Even though I have no idea who Lamb of God is. Sad to say, I think the story is better than the beer. This one is like a mosh pit of overly aggressive hop flavors that don’t really work well together. It’s far too grassy and muddy, a flavor that just doesn’t come together well without the alcohol.

Untitled Art.

My husband works for Oregon City Brewing Co. (shameless plug) and was out in the local market one day when he stumbled upon Untitled Art. The experts at The Beer Mongers here in Portland actually steered him in this direction when he told them that I was interested in finding a few good non-alcoholic brews. This brewery crafts beer and CBD sparkling water from its headquarters in Waunakee, Wisconsin. Each beer showcases work from a local artist and many of their alcoholic brews are crafted in collaboration with another brewery, such as Crooked Stave. The non-alcoholic options seem to be limited but come purely from the brewery itself.

• Untitled Art Non-Alcoholic Chocolate Milk Stout: Lovely. So far, this has been my favorite non-alcoholic beverage. The aroma hits the right stout notes while the flavor is steeped in malt, sweet, and chocolate. The chocolate perfectly covers the missing alcohol. I was so inspired, I’ve already written about it.

• Untitled Art Non-Alcoholic Juicy IPA: You know when you get a juicy IPA and it’s got more of a bitter bite than you’d expect for the style? That’s what I found here. Again, it had that unfinished beer smell to it and the flavor failed to really fit a juicy style. However, had no one told me this was supposed to be a juicy, I’d just think it was a pretty okay alternative to an IPA. It had a nice citrus hop flavor with a good bite that makes you forget just a little that the mouthfeel isn’t quite right.

• Untitled Art Non-Alcoholic Florida Weisse: When I poured this, I was actually a little surprised to see the gorgeous pink-red color. A bit of a tang wafts off the top and you get that when you taste it too. The passionfruit really does dominate but in a really pleasing way — at least for me. I wouldn’t say this was a sour but it had a mildly tart flavor which briefly fooled me into thinking I was drinking a little alcohol.

A Few One-Offs

I got my hands on a few other non-alcoholic beverages over the last couple of months. Here is an incomplete list of all the rest.

• Trader Joe’s Lemon Elderflower Soda: Prior to pregnancy, I’d take a semi-monthly expedition to Trader Joe’s and stock up on three-buck Chuck. I still occasionally find myself in the store looking for sweets and on one visit, stumbled across this soda. It’s meant as a mixer but on its own, it easily mimics a cocktail. It has a strong but not aggressive botanical flavor, heavily featuring that elderflower. And I really enjoy it in place of cocktail hour.

• Three Magnets Self Care Non-Alcoholic Hazy IPA with Strata & Ekuanot: I sipped this one only once during a playoff game some Sunday in January. I didn’t take great notes on it but I remember thinking that, once again, it’s a little too bitter for a hazy or juicy style. That said, the use of the new-ish hops was intriguing and a nice complement to the beer overall. I probably won’t seek this one out again but it wasn’t terrible.

• Boulevard Brewing + Athletic Brewing Flying Start Non-Alcoholic IPA: Came across this one the same day I drank the Three Magnets. This was at least a couple of weeks before the Boulevard scandal broke so I was blissfully unaware of their poor employment practices. Anyhow, I don’t have a clear memory of this beer. I think I found it quite similar to Athletic’s Run Wild. Not anything that made an impression, I have to admit.

As I write this, I’ve already got another batch of non-alcoholic beers and beverages to try and share with you. Soon I’ll be able to tell you more about a non-alcoholic sour that I’m pretty excited to try, a faux mimosa, and a couple of selections from Sober Carpenter out of Canada. Stay tuned!